Before watching
I was pretty keen to either avoid this film, or watch it, but not write about it. The reason I didn’t want to write about it is because I find it hard to express myself regarding trans-issues using words that won’t offend people from trans-community. In my heart, I don’t have anything against transsexuals, but the sadness I feel thinking about them is indescribable. How awful it must be, feeling like you don’t belong in your body.
I’m sure everyone has felt sad about a part of themselves they couldn’t change. I myself went through a phase in my early teens where I didn’t feel female in the slightest. I was convinced that I was a boy born in the wrong body. It took me years to come to terms with the fact that the one thing I could not change was my gender, and now, about 13 years later, I couldn’t be happier to have stayed in my body. Instead of being miserable about what I couldn’t change, I decided to find the parts of being a girl that I liked. I ended up loving it, and I still do; I can’t say that I can imagine what my life could’ve been like if I had decided to change gender through surgeries and hormonal treatment, but I can say one thing – there’s nothing better than feeling at home in your body. As I’ve grown up, it has become more and more acceptable for girls to go through plastic surgery for the sake of fixing parts of yourself you’re not fond of, and I’ve thought about maybe doing it many, many times, because, as I say, I’m not sure there are people who have loved their bodies just as they are – throughout their whole life. We all used to hate some part of ourselves we couldn’t change. However not once that I’ve thought about plastic surgery did I come to a conclusion that it’s worth doing it, because I can’t imagine what it must do to your head – seeing someone else in the mirror, instead of you. My mental image of me is so deeply connected to the body that I’m in, that I feel like I would’ve gone mad if I ever started looking not like myself. This very thought is the main one to have formed my belief of needing to accept your physical self (including your gender) just as it is. I still believe that most realisations and breakthroughs come from changing your perspective, as opposed to changing the external factors to reach happiness.
So to come back to the trans-issue: when I feel sadness about transsexuals, I feel sad about two things:
- that society has made them feel like there are expectations about what men need to be and look like and what women need to be and look like
- that because of the reason above, they have not found themselves to be perfect, no matter what the combination of their personality and looks
What I mean by this is that if society didn’t have expectations of what you should be or look like, just because of the biological gender that you are, you would most likely not feel like anything needed changing. If anything, your uniqueness in your gender-looks-personality combination would be something to be proud of. Because of course it still is, but the expectations of certain traits are still there, and it hurts not to be fitting someone’s expectations, I know. But the key is to break free of everyone else’s vision of what is acceptable and right, and stick to your own. I might not be quite certain on how I feel about my life, but I know how I feel about me. I feel great about my body (which is far from something you would call beautiful in its conventional sense), because it’s mine. Day by day, I’ve learnt to love it. I feel great about my face, with all of its flaws, again, because I perceive it to be so deeply connected to my personality, and the essence of me.
That journey you go through in the teenage years, of discovering your love for yourself, is the reason why I really disapprove of kids now being allowed to go through gender reassignment before they even turn 18! (This is me saying, if you’ve gone through 20, 30, 40 years of your life and haven’t found a way to love yourself in your body, then maybe changing gender medically is something worthwhile; but as a first solution it may be a pretty dangerous and costly mistake) Going through the gender reassignment as a child they’re missing out on the opportunity to learn the essential life skill of appreciating what they have. They’ll learn from a young age that if you don’t like something about yourself, you can fix it without almost any mental effort. Furthermore, being a social outcast also teaches you a few good lessons in self-love, and if you’re avoiding the conflict of being bullied by changing yourself to look like what the society around you (e.g. bullies) expects you to look like dependent on your behaviour, you only show that you care about everyone else’s opinion of things more than about your own.
Which is why I love queer people, because that reinforces my strong belief that how you behave, who you love and what you look like doesn’t have anything to do with your reproductive organs. Do what ya fancy! And most importantly, it has no bearing on how worthy you are of love and respect; as long as you are a decent human being and treat people like you’d like to be treated.
Now, after this really long explanation of how I feel about the issues regarding trans community, let’s get back to the film. I didn’t want to write about it, but what changed my mind?
I started watching it. 3 minutes in, the tone was set. And I already wanted to comment, because it was love at first sight! There are certain films where you just know you’re going to enjoy them, based on almost nothing, just a hunch… So I thought, if I have such a strong emotional reaction already, not writing my thoughts down would really mean going back on my resolutions already – I’d be breaking the promise I made to myself just last week: to face my thoughts and feelings head-on this year, and to write them down. To reflect on them, and to learn something new about myself.
So let’s go. No expectations, but a very good feeling.
After watching
Well, I had the right feeling about this film. It was delightful and I laughed and I cried and I was left with hope. This was such an excellent example of working through some pretty tough family issues regarding unconditional love, acceptance and respect, I really-really loved it.
Just thought that… In the classic feel-good movie plot scheme of a relationship built on a lie exploding, then being followed by eventual forgiveness, they almost convince you that the only way to create a meaningful relationship is to originally lie…
Thoughts | Lessons | Reminders
“Are you happy?” “Yes. I mean, no. I mean, I will be.”
Isn’t this most people’s answer? A socially expected lie, followed by the truth, followed by a more socially accepted truth. I’m not lying to myself about my happiness levels, but I’m perfectly happy to keep lying to everyone else. It’s a journey I want (and need) to be on alone, maybe with some encouragement, but no more than that.
Lesson for me: Know truthfully whether you are happy, and if you aren’t, keep working at changing the situation.
“Don’t you find it odd that plastic surgery can cure mental disorder?”
I do find it hard to believe. But the conviction in Bree’s voice was all I needed to hear. As convinced as I can sound when I talk about things, I don’t think you can use the same principles in all cases, or even the majority. So you know, my answer is anything is a possibility – plastic surgery can be a big help in relieving some of the pressures of gender dysphoria, but there’s potentially some other underlying mental issues that won’t just be wiped away with that same solution of gender reassignment.
Lesson for me: Nothing in itself is odd. Things are often very possible, if unusual, even if they sound ridiculous.
“Do you still think (…) that I’m a freak?” “You’re not a freak. You’re just a liar.”
I find it interesting when people expect to be told things when you get to know each other. In this case, the first time confronted, Bree said “Just because a person doesn’t blab around her biological history to everyone she meets, doesn’t make her a liar.” And isn’t it so true, how details about every person’s life are theirs, and theirs only to disclose? It’s such a personal thing – I for example feel uncomfortable telling people much less important information about myself, because it feels like such a weirdly intimate thing to be sharing details of what is important to you with random people. Even when you do want to tell them, in most cases your brain tries to find the right moment to do it, to get the best possible response. And is it too much to ask – for some empathy regarding people finding a comfortable way of sharing their life with you?
Lesson for me: Don’t get upset when someone hasn’t told you something about themselves that you consider important. There is a million reasons for not having done it, and you can’t possibly know what the real reason is, so let it go and accept the truth gratefully for finally having heard it.
“Dude, there’s things she’s not telling you!” “Well, every woman has a right to a little mystery, dude.”
This is a really good example of being respectful regarding the time you receive the truth. And even though Calvin chose to disclose his sins pretty early on, let’s be honest, there’s secrets, and there’s secrets. And they take different time to come out as intended, with least disruption. Reminds me of the episode of The IT Crowd where April tells Douglas I used to be a man, while Douglas conveniently hears it as I’m from Iran… What a revelation this is; not one to make to someone whom you’re not quite sure what to make of yet, isn’t it?
“I wish just once [my family] would look at me and see me. That’s all. Just really see me.”
I’ve always struggled with this one. My family have always thought so highly of me that it’s been hard to be that person. In my lowest moments I think, do they even really know me? …I can’t possibly be this good. Which, I know, is the opposite of what Bree experienced here, but this reminds me of a sad thought that I’m sure has been expressed many a time in a million different films, but I fell in love with it in a little odd show called Bored to Death. George there said Nobody’s really loved for themselves. Are they? I mean, all love is projection. Think about it, I’m in your movie and you’re in mine, two different films really. We don’t really know each other; we just make a guess at knowing each other, right? I think the same is true about love. And while it’s a bleak thought, I think situations should be played by the ear; in that if someone is thinking highly of you, you should probably if not believe it, then at least make the best of being seen in a good light (i.e. act as if the high praise is true, regardless of whether you perceive it to be true yourself), but if someone’s vision of you is getting you down and upsetting you, George’s sad quote can give you the needed distance to forgive the people for not really knowing you.
Lesson for me: Appreciate the good things people see in you. Ignore people’s misunderstandings of you, unless it’s someone very close, in which case it’s probably worth getting through to them explaining the truth.
“First of all, I’m gonna make sure he knows he’s encouraged and supported. And that he’s respected… maybe even… At least that he’s respected.”
It’s odd how sheltered you become growing up in a loving household. Respect is something that I never would’ve thought about growing up. I could have been angry with my parents for making me do things, for not letting me do things, but never for not loving me, not respecting me, not listening to me. That doesn’t mean they always agreed, but that would be a ridiculous thing to wish for anyway. Now, thinking about starting a family soon myself, I am very much awakened to a reality that there’s a million things I didn’t even think about as a child, where there’s a potential for me to go wrong as a parent.
Lesson for me: No matter how you raise your kids, the first thing to teach them is that they are loved and respected, which can then become a two-way street. This will also teach them to respect others, which might just be the most important quality to have as a decent human being.
In conclusion
I’m so grateful for having seen this film now. What a fun, interesting, thought-provoking journey. It’s a shame Duncan Tucker hasn’t continued making films, but I’m very, very glad he’s managed to get this lovely picture out. Well worth a watch!
Until the next time,
Jake
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